• Kevin Shabaar Smith

#106 The Promiser, The Punisher, and The Pardoner

Updated: Dec 11, 2019

UGLY BUSINESS PODCAST EPISODE 106



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Hey there, thanks for joining me. It's great to have you with me today. And before we get started, I really want to ask you a favor, if you could do me a huge solid here. If you get value from these episodes, can you do me a favor and please share them? Can you maybe jump on iTunes or Google Play and give us a rating, maybe even take a screenshot of it and tag me in it in a post that you share and we'll connect I just want to tell you that I don't ask for this out of my own vanity really.

It's just that that is the best way to make sure that we can reach the most amount of people possible. And that, and really that's the goal, right? We want to help as many people as possible in any way big or small. And so if you could just share the love, that would be awesome. That'd be great. And let's connect. Let's do it. Okay. So if he could do me that solid, I would really, really appreciate it. Okay. Today, I want to talk about blocks. I want to talk to you about blocks. Some people have money blocks, some people have relationship blocks, some people have success blocks. Who knows? We all have these blocks. You have the blocks. I have the blocks. And if you're anything like me, I know that you've come close to getting something, creating something, finishing something, and then bam, something happens, something happens. I think back to this very small period of time that I want to share with you really quick. Along my entrepreneurial ship journey back in the day as they say, and I remember I started this paid group online and this was, this is way before Facebook, way before LinkedIn.

This is way back and I started this online group for businesses. And there was this company out there that had this app and it was called, I think, I think it was called igroops, and it let you create these groups online. Again, this was before Facebook. It's super easy now. It wasn't super easy back then and I was really focused locally, but what I did was I went around and I signed a bunch of local and sometimes regional companies to become members of this online group. And when they joined, we would put this big profile of their companies with links to their webpage and kind of an about us type section. So they would all be featured in this group. And so all these different companies in the group would communicate with each other and try to work together. It was kind of like a networking thing and there was discussion groups and people from the different companies could chat. There's even a place to upload audio calls as they called them back then and now they're the closest thing to what we now call podcasts. Right?

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But it was kind of this community of businesses and we sold them these, these subscriptions. And within the first few months, I had like 50 of these companies all paying to be part of this marketing group online. And I thought, "Wow, man, the potential here." I mean, nobody was really doing it at the time. I shouldn't say nobody, but there was very few people, there certainly wasn't anything as big as Facebook or LinkedIn or anything like that.

And it was kind of work. It was kind of working and things just started clicking after a while. And of course we struggled a little bit, but after a while things started clicking and then bam, it happened, a block. Now, back then I didn't really recognize it as a block, right? This block took the form of me saying to myself, "You know what? This is pretty cool, but I think I'm going to move on and try other things." And I did.

I stopped just shy of where the momentum could've carried us forward in a pretty significant way. And it was kind of like this and I know that this might resonate with you in some way, but it happened at a very specific point. Once I knew it could work, that's when I stopped. I didn't stop when it was kind of okay and it was a struggle and I didn't think... I stopped the moment I knew that it could work. And I look back on that time and I think it's fascinating. And now your work, I'm sorry, your block, right? Whatever blocky may have had recently, it may look a little bit different, you know? But we all hit him.

That was just an example of one of mine that I always revert back to and remember, right? It's just something that happens along the way. And the problem is we keep hitting these blocks, right? And usually, we don't know why, right? I'm sure that you've had some of these blocks, maybe you didn't recognize it. And if you did recognize it, you certainly don't know why you're them, right? Sometimes we don't see them coming in. Sometimes we do. But either way, we still seem to fall victim to them. Right? And so here's the thing. These blocks, right?

These blocks are an act of your other than conscious mind. You're not intentionally blocking yourself. You don't wake up in the morning and you say, "You know what? I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I don't hit this level of success today." It's an actively other than conscious mind. I think back to a quote I heard from Carl Jung and for those of you who... If you haven't heard of Carl Jung you could Google him.

But if you have any experience with like MBTI or Myers and Briggs or DISC assessments or anything like that, all of those can kind of be traced back to the work of, of Carl Jung. He did a lot in personalities and diversification and personalities and, one of the things that Carl Jung said, and I always revert back to this quote, is "Until we make the subconscious conscious," right? In other words, "Until we take the things that we do habitually without even thinking about it, until we take those things and start to think about them and push them into our conscious behavior, until we make the subconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

I love that. I'm a quote geek anyways, right? I just, I don't know, I just like quotes. I think there's if you go back in the day and then you'd look at a bunch of quotes there's just something about the way that people use words back then is just so hard hitting, right? And so I might be a geek. I don't know if he like quotes or not, but I love them and so this one is one of the better ones that I think I've ever read until we make the subconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. And this direct, the word direct, and one of the reasons why I like really old quotes is because they used every word for a very specific reason, right?

Until we make the subconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

It will direct your life. They didn't say it will control your life. It didn't say it's going to ruin your life. It says it's going to direct. It's going to direct your life and you're going to call it fate. It's kind of like a director in a play or a movie, right? The writer has the vision, the director moves and directs the actor in the movie. To make the vision of the writer a reality.

So you have the person who wrote it, who has this vision, and then you have the director who's kind of moving all the pieces, moving the actors around to make that vision a reality. The director works with intention, right? To make vision a reality, right? And so if we think about that until we make the subconscious conscious, it will direct your life. And you will call it fate. If we allow the non-thinking part of our mind to be the director in our lives, we lose control of our lives and we chalk it up to fate or worst yet we chalk it up to luck.

But here's the thing about luck. Luck is simply an unknown cause for a known result. We live in a universe of cause and effect. And when we don't know what causes something, but all of a sudden we see a result of it, we say, "Oh man, I got lucky there" or "Man, that was a run of bad luck." And so what does all this mean for you and for me, right? No one is excluded from this, right? Because we're all human. But what does this mean for you?

Well, if you understand why blocks happen, then you start to understand that this thing that we call fate is overrated. It's a crutch, right? Fate is the human's denial of freewill. It's an excuse. And so you have to start just always being aware that we operate in a cause and effect world. And so where do these blocks come from? What causes them? And listen, I just want to let you know, I want to let you know that I'm not trying to Dr. Phil You to death here. I'm not trying to come off as, as some kind of psychologist, right?

But I've studied human behavior. I've studied human capital in organizations and in my experience, and we're talking from an entrepreneurship type spot here, right? We're coming from a place of the mindset of an entrepreneur. And in my experiences, current and future blocks always stem from previous unkept promises. Current and future blocks stem from previous unkept promises. Unkept promises to ourselves.

Kevin, what does that mean? Well, well, unkept promises to ourselves, right? It can mean a bunch of different things. It could mean going back all the way to when you were in high school and maybe you told yourself you're going to try out for the high school swim team and you never did, right? Maybe you were going to ask that girl or that boy to the movies as a kid, right? Like you told yourself you were going to do and you never did. Maybe maybe that unkept promises is not starting the blog that you wanted to start, like you told yourself going to do. Not finishing the course. You paid thousands of dollars for. That course that you said, this is going to be the one, this is the missing piece. This is the thing that's going to bring it all together. I'm going to make this investment in this time. I'm going to get my return on these dollars. And maybe you didn't do it. Maybe that's an unkept promise. It can be anything. And so here's the interesting thing. Once break this promise to ourselves and if you could see my hands, I'm kind of putting promise up in air quotes, right? Because we don't come out and say, "I promise myself I'm going to do this." It's kind of this contractual thing that happens in our other than conscious mind and once we break it, there has to be some sort of reckoning whether we are aware of it or not, right?

We force ourself then to make the switch from the promiser, right, to the punisher, the judge, the punisher. And what happens at that point, right? We made this commitment, we didn't make the commitment and now we're the punisher. And then we have to bring on self-judgment. We have to bring on self-judgment. See, when we see our broken commitment, right? Our failure, when we see it as a broken promise and then we usher in all the evidence we've been collecting on ourselves for years and years and years, we find ourselves guilty. We devalue ourselves and we devalue our self image. And it's a natural thing if we're not aware of it.

And so how does that play into whatever you're dealing with now or will deal with next week or next month or next year? Well, now that you've taken your self image down a notch, your non-thinking mind has some work to do. It's got some work to do because and stick with me here. I really want you to hear this, right? If there's one takeaway from our discussion here today, you and me, right? It's this, our non-thinking mind gets to work once it, once it judges you. Once your non-thinking mine has judged you, it's got some work to do, right? It takes down your self image and this has a very special consequence because you can't outperform your self image.

I want to say that again. You can't outperform your self image. And so to make sure that you don't outperform your self image, your mind goes to work. I have this program called the Freedom factors. It's a series of recordings kind of like this. And we go through the six freedom factors, the six tools that we have to guard ourselves against these types of, of blocks and to raise our entrepreneurial mindset. And one of the things that we talk about is imagination and will and how they go hand in hand, right? Your imagination is that image, right? And you can't outperform it.

You can't outperform your self image.

Your non-thinking mind, your non-thinking mind won't allow you to do it. And so what happens when we reach this point where our performance is starting to gain ground, right? You're working, you wake up, you do the work, you put it in the work, and all of a sudden you find yourself starting to gain ground and approach that point where your self images is building this ceiling. What happens at that point? Well, if we don't have the awareness of what's happening here, right? If we haven't made the other than conscious conscious, if we're not aware of what's going on upstairs and between the ears, we start to feel guilty or out of integrity with ourselves.

Because we're getting something that we don't think that we deserve, right? If we let herself down so many times when, why on Earth do we deserve a million dollar business? Right? That's the head game that that starts to happen inside. It's our other than conscious mind going to work. And so we start to feel guilty. We feel out of integrity. And so what does it do to start building its case? Right? Our other than conscious mind starts to... And you'll see this if you just slow the process down and listen to what your mind's doing and kind of see what your mind's doing, you'll notice it.

Your unconscious mind starts presenting all the evidence to support what it's doing, all the evidence that you don't deserve what you're almost there achieving, right? It starts to whisper to you. Remember all the books that you bought and didn't read, guilty. Remember the book he started to write but didn't, guilty. Remember that course that you didn't finish, guilty. Remember the blog schedule that you made but you didn't stick to, guilty. Remember that live event that you told yourself that you're going to hold but didn't, guilty and it's just starts collecting all the evidence of everything. Remember the swim team that you said you were going to try, guilty. Remember, Sally from the third grade who you wanted to sit next to in the, I don't know, in the auditorium when the school was the movie, guilty. Right? And so what does the judge do when he finds someone guilty? Punish. We punish ourselves from daring to approach success that we don't deserve. And how do we do it? How does your, how does your other than conscious mind following this judgment that's laid on you. How does your other than conscious mind punish you? It punishes you through self-sabotage. Now, we often don't see it in ourselves. We might see other people do it, but we often don't see self-sabotage happening to ourselves. Right? It's cunning. It's sneaky. It disguises itself.

If you knew exactly what it was when it was happening, that'd be great, wouldn't it? I mean, wouldn't it be wonderful if ignorance hurt, right? If you could feel pain, right? Because then you can stop it, but it doesn't. Your other than conscious mind is tricky. It shows up in a bunch of different ways that you might not even be ready for or looking for. And sometimes it could be really broad, right? It could just be a matter of you not even allowing yourself to see a brighter future.

Because if you never even see the brighter future, then there's no way that you can ever have any indication of what would happen if you really tried and so you look the other way. You don't even allow yourself to kind of see it out of the corner of your eye, right? And sometimes self-sabotage happens in more tangible ways, right? Like like a retail therapy. You self-sabotage if you have money blocks. So how do you self-sabotage?by going out and spending your money.

Maybe we hold ourselves back from fully participating in activities that you know are good for you. How many times have you signed up for a course or started a group or entered a program and you know that if you fully participate and take everything out of it, that it would be good for you and your business, but you hold yourself back from fully participating. Self-sabotage could be you scrolling through social media for two hours instead of putting in the work that you need to put in to take your business to the next level. Self-sabotage could be you trying something new, but bailing out early. As soon as you see success coming, right? Maybe you run from it.

Self-sabotage could be you having a couple of drinks with your girlfriends or beers with your guy friends or vice versa the night before you really need to perform. Or you really should be spending the day getting something very, very important done. Self-sabotage could be binging on junk food after a week of great workouts. It could show itself in any of these things. So what do you do, right? Kevin, you've been telling us about self-sabotage here for a while now. When are you going to tell us what in the world we can do? Well, here's the thing. The first thing that needs to happen as Carl's Jung said, is we need to make the other than conscious conscious. We need to make the unconscious conscious. And here's the thing, just by listening to me right now you know. You can't say that you haven't been made aware. From this point on, the unconscious should be conscious. As soon as you see yourself doing something that isn't in integrity, isn't in line with the goals and the dreams that you've set for yourself. You should be calling a timeout and saying, "What am I doing?" When you see this cycle happening you can elevate yourself above the promiser, above the punisher and you can promote yourself to the pardoner. So how do we promote ourself to this pardoner? We have to stop seeing falling short of a goal as a failure or an unkept promise. Remember, self-sabotage now and tomorrow is a result of an unkept promise from yesterday or the day before or the month before, the year before, or the decade before. So we don't want to see falling short of goal as a failure, but a natural and welcome part of the growing process. And let me repeat that because there's some of you that if you heard that and you're letting that kind of slide by, I want you to listen to that again. Don't see falling short of goal as a failure, but a natural and welcome part of the growing process, a natural and welcome. If you haven't heard or downloaded the five barriers to goal achievement, you should do that because one of those barriers is about goal setting. We worry too much about the goal instead of the transformation that happens to us on our journey to the goal. Not achieving the goal is not a failure because whatever steps you did take on the way to that goal changed you as a person, either intentionally or otherwise. Remember, you don't learn about your true character through success. You don't learn about gaps in your competency through success. You don't learn what you need to improve simply through success. You don't learn what doesn't work for you through success. You don't grow through success. These things happen through failure, right? Failure always goes hand in hand with success. So when you see these "unkept promises," you should not see them as failures. One of my great mentors, Paul Martinelli once told me that failure is success's constant companion. Now I'm not sure if that's his quote or not. He said it to me one time and it stuck. Failure is success's constant companion. So if you see yourself failing, you should just look over at that failure and say, "Hey, how you doing? Let's keep moving along," right? Once you change that, that perspective, then we can get into the tangible things that you can do to kind of get yourself back on track. And so before I leave you guys today I want to talk about some of the intangible things that you can do to get yourself back on track once you've realized that this cycle is starting to happen. The first thing you can do is regain clarity around your why, right? Why did you want to start writing that blog? Why did you start this business? Why did you want to start your podcast? What is the big picture? Regain clarity around why you want to do it in the first place and then grab a quick win. Grab a quick win.

Don't look at everything you need to do. Don't look at the mountain that you have to climb. Look at the very next step that you have to take and take it. If you started a course and you didn't finish it and you felt like you unkept this promise to yourself and you, you were starting to feel this amount of guilt, open the book and take one step, right? Maybe watch one video of the course. Maybe one do maybe do one homework assignment. Get yourself a really quick win that you can then build upon.

Another thing you can do is look at the process that went wrong. If you catch yourself in a self-sabotage mode. Maybe on the day you are going to record your very first podcast, you were in your office and the TV came on and you found yourself watching TV all day. Just an example, right? What part of the process failed and what can you do? Take the TV out of your room. Give your other than conscious mind less tools to work against you.

Improve the process, right? Take baby steps. And listen, tame the inner judge. Share your experience only with other like-minded people on a similar journey. This week I just entered a another group. As many of you guys know or as you should know by now, if you don't even you will. I spent a whole ton of time in other programs and and other trainings and things like that, so I can not only grow myself, but so I can kind of see the best of the best and make sure that I bring it back to my group and my people, my tribe, the ones who count on me to be out there for them so they don't have to be.

And so lately I've been seeing in a lot of groups people sharing their failures with other people who are failing and I use failing in quotes, right? I don't think that failures are failures, but just for terminology sake, right? Maybe they had a setback and they post about their setback in a place where they know that other people are going to hop on board with their setback. "I couldn't do this. I failed." And then someone else will comment. "Yeah, I did too. I feel you." And then someone else will comment. "Yeah. You know, I think I'm going to put this off for another time because things are really too busy in my life." Then another person jumps on it says, yeah, yeah, things are busy here too. I think I'm going to try this, after the new year, after the holidays or we're after Joe graduates from college or as soon as whatever it may be."

Share your experience but share it with people who are like-minded on a similar journey. Those of you who are hearing my voice and and, and don't know what a mastermind group is. If you don't know what a mastermind group is, if you've never been in a mastermind group before, we need to connect. We need to connect. That is the place where businesses grow. That is a place where entrepreneurs grow. If you have never heard of the work room mastermind group that I host, then let's connect. I would love to tell you about it.

There's a link on the bottom of this page. If you're listening to this on iTunes, go ahead and hop over to kevinssmith.com and there's going to be a link there to the work room. Check it out. Now why do I say that because I want to sell you on every podcast episode? No, but you want to surround yourself by people who aren't going to encourage that inner judge that aren't going to hop on board, that jury, that aren't going to allow you to lower yourself image and thereby lower your performance limits.

If you've listened to my podcast before you read a blog, you know that I like a quote by Eric Hoffer and Eric Hoffer says, "No matter what our achievements might be we think well of ourselves, only in rare moments." We need people to bear witness against our inner judge who keeps book on our shortcomings and transgressions. We need people to convince us that we're not as bad as we think we are. If you're still in that place, then let's connect because I got something for ya. Okay?

If you're still in that place, it's time to make the unconscious conscious. That's how we start. Regain some clarity. Grab a quick win. Improve your process so you can avoid some of these self-limiting or self-sabotaging activities and tame the inner judge. And one of the great ways you can do that is by joining a mastermind group and sharing your experiences with people in that group because they're like-minded, they're on a similar journey. A lot of them have probably been where you're headed, right? That allows you to see around corners so you don't run into sabotaging activity. Okay?

And so with that, I am going to leave you guys today. We all have blocks. You have blocks. I have blocks. The difference between high-performing entrepreneurs and non-performing entrepreneurs is the recognition, the addressing of, and the blowing right past the sabotaging activities. All right, so everybody, I appreciate you spending your time with me. I hope you got a lot out of our time together.

Again, if you could do me a huge, huge, huge solid favor. If you got any value from our discussion today, please share the episode, rate the podcast on iTunes or Google Play. Take a snapshot, go ahead and throw it up there and Instagram or Facebook or wherever it is that you hang out socially and tag me in it.

All the best,


Kevin Shabaar Smith


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© 2018 Kevin S Smith | Leaderstone, Inc.

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